First Presbyterian Church Preschool: Articles and Resources

Articles that appear from Grandma Says are focused on general parenting practices and philosophy and are not as age-specific as articles that appear in Growing Child.

"Grandma Says" is a feature of Growing Child and we encourage you to send your comments to: GrandmaSays@GrowingChild.com

HITTING IS NOT OKAY

A reader's question reminded me that there are some typical childhood behaviors that need to be revisited every now and then for successive generations of parents.

This parent was concerned about her 14-month-old's habit of slapping her hand at her parents when she was frustrated, occasionally managing to hit them directly on the face.

While certainly annoying to the parents, their biggest concern was that the child would think it is okay to hit people if she were not corrected.

First, let's consider the probably cause of this behavior. Imagine, if you will, the powerful frustration of a little one who is beginning to get big ideas about what to do in this world--but she has only a handful of words with which to express them. Such profound disappointment could only be expressed physically, hence the hitting.

But the parent is absolutely correct: This behavior must be decisively stopped. It is never okay for anyone to hit another person, be that person big or small.

Knowing that frustration is the trigger for the hitting behavior, parents need to stay close at that point, close enough to be able to firmly grab the small, flailing hands, saying clearly: "No hitting. Hitting hurts. I can't let you hit me."

Keep holding the hands until the frustration has passed, or even enveloping the toddler in an all-encompassing bear hug is appropriate.

When adults are so clearly in control of their emotions and the situation, it helps children regain some of their control.

Then the adult is able to redirect the child's behavior and feelings toward something else, knowing the toddlers have short attention spans and really don't want to stay upset long.

If the toddler is a child who seems to need strong physical outlets, providing a toy to pound on or punch may be helpful.

If the toddler benefits from soothing activities, some sensory play, such as water or play dough, may change the mood.

Note the adult responses I did not suggest. A first incorrect reaction would be to ignore the hitting behavior -children should always receive a firm limit on not hurting others, no matter how strong the emotion.

A second mistake would be to hit the child back, "so she can see how it feels." Little ones just don't have the cognitive capacity to make such connections, let alone understand why it is okay for a big person to hit, while trying to teach little ones a lesson not to hit.

Another inappropriate response would be to laugh at the admittedly comical sight of a little one hitting out in frustration: such laughter only shames and demeans the child's very real emotions.

As the toddler acquires more language and understanding, parents can say things like, "I see you're upset, but no hitting. Hitting hurts. Let's see what we can do (...say, etc.)" Slowly we help children learn that emotions can be expressed in ways other than striking out.

This is an important question, the answer to which is inextricably tied to the big ideas about guiding young children, ideas such as firm limits, respect of the child's developmental abilities, and teaching life-long lessons.

Thoughtful responses will move parents toward the goal of healthy, self-controlled children.

GIVE ‘EM A BREAK

I enjoyed a Doonesbury cartoon (by Gary Trudeau) a couple of years ago. It showed two mothers waving goodbye to their children on a school bus, on the first day of school. One turned to the other and said something like "Whew! It's a relief to have school start again. What with the French and drama camps, the music workshops, the tennis lessons, and the play dates, I'm exhausted."

When the other mother is silent, the first asks, "So what did Joanie do this summer?"

The other mother shrugs, "Nothing much. She messed around in the creek, built a tree fort, and played with the dog."

The first mother stares at her open-mouthed, and then comments, "Well, I guess technically that's not child abuse."

And Joanie's mother comments wryly, "That was my thinking."

Unfortunately, too many parents are more like the first than the second. Not content to fill every moment of the school year with productive activities planned to ensure their children's success, whether in academics, sports, or social life, they carry over the scheduling to the lazy, hazy days of summer.

Perhaps this is a reflection of their own frenetic and competitive lives, with so little room for down time. Perhaps it is the over-participation and over-involvement in children's lives, so accepted today, that leads to micromanagement of kids' time, both summer and school-year.

Whatever the motivation, this over-scheduling is not to anyone's benefit--notice the first mother's complaint of her own exhaustion.

Think, for a minute, of your own memories of summer vacation, time free from homework routines, with the long days extending for play past the dinner hour. No matter where you lived, my guess is that you remember time hanging around with friends, time spent inventing games and activities, and time spent exploring the outdoor world.

What's more, this was a time when the direct involvement and supervision of adults was more distant and relaxed. This is time when children can be the authors of their own lives, rather than living a life someone else wrote for them. In your memories, there were probably times of boredom as well, times when the games seemed too stale, the freedom even too much. Perhaps parents over-schedule kids because they fear hearing the complaints of "having nothing to do."

On the other hand, how will children learn to create, entertain themselves and solve their own problems if we don't allow them to have down time and empty spaces in their lives, to consider how they really want to fill their time?

Being bored is terrific motivation to initiate, to dream, to plan, to shape one's own destiny. Parents who have over-planned and over-structured their children's lives may expect that their children will have particular difficulty when left to their own planning. But this is a time to bite the bullet and let them try.

The gift of time is something all of us need to learn about, and some unstructured summer time is an important gift to give to your children.

FINDING A GOOD PRESCHOOL

You may be getting ready for your youngster to take the first step in education outside your home this fall. That means you are likely getting recommendations from friends about good preschools, and making visits to observe and interview directors.

This process can be very confusing. Good preschools often don't look like the memories many parents have of "school."

Further, with all the pressures on education at higher levels, parents may feel they should be selecting a school that offers heavy academic emphasis. But that would be wrong.

Let's consider what you will find in a developmentally appropriate preschool program, one where decisions and curriculum are based on what we know about the developmental abilities of young children, and how they learn best.

Children construct their own knowledge. Rather than learning just by being told or shown, good preschools offer children ways for them to "teach" themselves, with firsthand experiences.

Children learn through their senses. Good preschools offer abundant, real, three-dimensional objects for children to manipulate and explore. Some of the materials may be gloriously messy, like sand, water, paint, and clay.

Children constantly make associations with previous knowledge. Familiar materials are provided, and they are available over a period of time, so that children can repeat experiences and deepen their understanding.

Children are frustrated easily. A good preschool provides an environment and materials that are accessible and easy for children to manage themselves. Materials in a classroom will range from simple to more complex, so that individuals can find their level of success.

Children learn what they want to know. Teachers observe and listen to children, and design curriculum that provides ways for them to follow interests. Motivation is from the child's inner drive to learn, not from a need to learn what pleases the adult.

Children learn from making mistakes. Knowledgeable teachers allow mistakes to happen, though of course they are mindful of safety. Figuring out what went wrong provides lasting lessons.

Children learn from accomplishing hard tasks. Teachers encourage and support children's efforts, without rushing in with solutions. Children's self esteem grows as they master the tasks they set for themselves.

Children need time to organize their thinking. Good preschools provide long periods of uninterrupted time for children to explore and interact. The classroom is child-centered, rather than adult-driven.

Children have different attention spans. Good preschools provide flexible schedules so children can move at their own pace, getting as much or as little help as they require. Opportunities to develop self-help skills are valued as part of the curriculum.

Children have trouble waiting. A good preschool classroom does not require children to all do the same thing at the same time. Choices and separate play spaces allow children to proceed happily.

Children this age cannot share. A good classroom provides many choices of activities, as well as duplicates of popular materials. When children do not have to compete too often, there are fewer conflicts. And most importantly:

Children learn everything they need to learn in the preschool years through the medium of play. Play allows children to use their imaginations, their bodies and language, while developing social skills—all the foundations of learning.

When you find a preschool that follows these ideas, you may be sure that your child will thrive there happily.

THE FINE ART OF IGNORING

Recently I had an e-mail from a parent of a 13-month-old, asking for advice on what to do when the child insisted on pulling off her bib or swatting away the mother's hand when she was feeding her.

The mother’s final sentence was, " It seems the attention I give to any of these behaviors just causes her to want to do it more." And therein lies the truth about a powerful tool that parents have to use: the fine art of ignoring. Before we get to the strategies of ignoring, first a word about young toddlers. The name of the game for children at this age is autonomy and independence. When she "gets" the words, she will say, repeatedly, "Me do it!" That is the process being demonstrated here.

Rather than thwart such attempts at independence, parents are far better to work with them, or at least do no more than redirect the child from the really annoying behaviors.

So, the attempts to pull off the bib are best met with a change of interest, something else to do or think about.

The swatting of the parental feeding hand will cease when the toddler is given her own spoon to try to manipulate during meal-time, the work at practicing manual dexterity will be far more absorbing.

In addition, parents of toddlers do well to remember that these youngsters are one-track-mind scientists, deliberately experimenting to check out their effects on others, so that annoying behaviors are used as a tool to check out whether the parental response will always be the same.

This makes happy co-existence challenging, but not impossible, especially when we consider the importance of targeted ignoring. When children get a response to behaviors, desirable or not, those behaviors are reinforced and strengthened, increasing the likelihood of the actions being repeated.

If the behaviors are annoying but not dangerous, a parent's most helpful response is none at all, a deliberate ignoring of the events.

If children are using the actions to get attention, they are getting none for those particular activities. If they are using them to exert power and control over a parent, they discover that they can't manipulate the parent into an exchange. And what with so many things to explore and so little time, actions that don't receive the desired response, or even any response, will likely soon drop away.

Now ignoring means just that—-no attention at all, either verbal or non-verbal. It means the adult fixes attention on something else entirely.

One caution: ignoring for just so long, and then breaking down and paying attention to the behavior works very hard against the parent's goals: this is what psychologists call "intermittent reinforcement." And unfortunately, that is the one sure-fire way to keep and strengthen behaviors.

So, parents who are ignoring need to be resolute and focused on their goals. Ignoring is only fair when used to target specific behaviors, and when the adult is careful to show positive attention to the times when children are behaving well, or doing desirable things. Ignoring the less desirable and paying attention to the desirable need to go hand in hand. One more inelegant phrase: don't sweat the small stuff. Parents of toddlers will have many more important issues to deal with in the years to come.

RUNNING AMOK

Recently two different readers wrote to ask for help with the issues of children behaving badly when out in public or visiting others. A friend just sent a video link to a television discussion about children growing up without manners and standards for behavior. Clearly it is time to talk again about this modern issue. I say "modern issue" because it is only in recent times that we hear comments such as these from teachers and grandparents, dismayed by the hands-off, kids-will-be-kids approach that they see adopted by the parents who accompany these children who are behaving badly.

Now please understand me: I am not suggesting an adherence to Victorian manners, and a philosophy of children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard!

But there seems to be a widespread misunderstanding that it is not appropriate--perhaps too early in their lives--to take an active role in helping children learn what is correct behavior, and supporting them to practice it when they find themselves in public situations out of their homes.

The result is that parents try to ignore the out of control, yes, rude, youngsters, and such ignoring is often difficult to do.

Meanwhile, others in their company, such as grandparents, are frustrated by the lost learning opportunities for children, and embarrassed by the parents' seeming lack of concern about teaching and reinforcing better behaviors.

First a reminder to all parents everywhere: your children came into this world knowing absolutely nothing about the customs, mores, and yes, manners that are practiced on Planet Earth.

It is part of your job description to ensure that your children are taught how to behave in any situation in which they might find themselves in the years to come, from being a polite guest at a great-aunt's Thanksgiving dinner, to attending a state dinner at the White House-assume that they will need all these skills and know-how.

The time to begin teaching is when the child first encounters the situation, not after they have spent years running amok. The teaching comes with clear explanations before a social situation about what behavior is expected (and why), and how parents will act to remind children who seem in danger of forgetting the expectations.

Think of it as a simple matter of respect, and not simply the respect for others that good manners show. Rather, you respect your children enough to believe they will want to behave well, and deserve the information about how to do so. Knowing one has behaved in accordance with others' expectations is a powerful self-esteem builder. True story: When my granddaughter Lila was five years old and visiting us for vacation, I realized she would be meeting a number of our friends and neighbors that she did not know.

Before venturing out, we had a mini-practice session on greeting new adults, with tips such as smiling while looking them in the eye, shaking hands if offered, and greeting the adult by the name we mentioned.

She gamely practiced, and walked with poise into strange offices and living rooms. When she heard adults commenting to us about her good manners, she was naturally delighted, and the behaviors were reinforced for future occasions.

How very different a response is given to a youngster who is not being so taught, and therefore receives veiled (or obvious) disapproval of uneducated, out-of-bounds behavior. Think of it, yet again, as preparing your children for the future that could contain all manner of new experiences--tea at Buckingham palace, anyone?

THE POWER OF A WORD

If someone told you that you could shape your young child's orientation towards becoming a successful adult by doing one thing during his or her early years, my guess is that you would do it. Who doesn't want their children to become successful, well-rounded adults? Well, here is that one thing: Respond firmly when necessary with the word, "No." Even more specifically, be clear about the "no" when your youngster is having a temper tantrum to try to get his/her own way about something. There is specific teaching power in that one word.

Now this is not as simple as it first sounds. In life's stressful moments, many parents may be tempted to give in to the demands and tantrums employed by youngsters to get what they want--think of the classic grocery store exhibition, of the red-faced child screaming to get the candy she/he wants.

After all, who wants to be subjected to the embarrassment of the stares and comments of others when the little ones create a scene? It is often difficult to maintain a long-term perspective when the short-term event is so challenging.

Think for a moment about the character traits that are developed when parents use, and stick to, that one little word: "no." Peace at any price may be a very high cost indeed to pay for not saying, "no."

Self-control, the ability to swallow one's impulse and restrain one's actions when they are not appropriate, is a vital component for successful adult lives. As children learn to rein in their words and actions, they develop the ability to master their urges, rather than give in to them immediately. This is a first step to being able to take over aspects of one's life, rather than have those aspects rule the individual.

Learning that "no" means something helps children slowly develop respect for others. The original request or temper tantrum centers only on the child herself, what it is that she wants. By not allowing children to win through temper tantrums, parents help children learn to show consideration for others.

Temper tantrums disregard anyone except the child himself. Children may not agree with the parent's viewpoint, but they are asked to respect that others have rights.

Understanding that we don't get everything in the world we want, or when we want it, helps children to develop patience. Delayed gratification lies at the base of learning to wait for desirable things, of learning that a goal may not come immediately. "No" judiciously applied helps children learn something about the realities of life, that the world does not in fact revolve around their needs and wants, and that others may not quickly grant their every wish. These are valuable lessons to learn before venturing into college, or the world of work and relationships. So, ignore the stares of fellow shoppers, and stick to your guns. That "no" has long-term, lasting value.

BOOK OF THE MONTH: SWIMMY

BY Leo Lionni, Alfred A. Knopf, 1993

This classic by Leo Lionni helps children and adults understand the benefits of community, of working together for a common goal.

Swimmy, a little black fish, was the only fish left when a swift, fierce tuna fish gulped down a big school of little red fish with whom Swimmy lived.

Despite living in a sea world of wonders, Swimmy was all alone, and very scared.

After a time, he found another school of little red fish, and he encouraged them to go and swim and play and SEE things. But the little red fish said, "We can't, the big fish will eat us all."

"But," Swimmy said, "You can't just lie there, we must THINK of something." Then Swimmy got an idea.

He taught all the fish to swim close together, each in his own place, like the biggest fish in the sea, and he was the eye. "And so they swam in the cool morning water and in the midday sun and chased the big fish away."

Together we are stronger. What a fine lesson for children to learn. Yes, we value independence and individual accomplishment. We are, after all, a nation of unique entities, and we spend a good deal of time helping our children develop a sense of their own being.

But it is all too easy to neglect teaching children that we are all members of communities, and that these communities thrive when we all work together, sharing both ideas and effort on goals that better life for us all.

How do parents help children encounter this notion of community? Here are several thoughts to get you started:

1. Make sure that your children are introduced to, and interact with, the neighbors around you. When children come to learn something about the lives and needs of others who live near them, they begin to understand the realities of loving your neighbor.

They can find small ways to be helpful or kind to others, such as sharing the Christmas cookies you bake with a busy working neighbor, or taking the garbage cans back in for the older woman who lives alone.

2. Have your children make cards for friends and neighbors who are sick or having hard times. Learning to care about others' problems is an important beginning to creating a caring community.

3. Talk to your children about your own community involvement: volunteering to help with the school book fair; canvassing to collect funds for the March of Dimes; or attending meetings for community action. Your example lets them know that being a part of the community is important to you.

4. Help your children move beyond the age limits of only peer group interaction to include children of different ages in a neighborhood activity focused on a common goal, such as putting on a skit or puppet show whose admission price will be donated to a local cause.

5. Discuss with your children's teachers (at school or religious school) the idea of providing real experiences for the class by helping others in your community, such as going to sing in a nursing or retirement home, or helping gather outgrown clothing for families at a homeless shelter. Your local United Way may have good, specific ideas that are appropriate.

Learning to work together for a common goal is important for fish--and for kids.

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Now that you have vacuumed up the tinsel and put the wrapping papers in the recycling bin, you have a quick moment to consider some things about this Christmas or holiday season, in order not to be haunted by ghosts of Christmas past when Christmas comes again in the future.

Ask yourself which parts of the holiday, your practices and traditions, were truly enjoyable for you and for your children. If your children are old enough, have a dinner table conversation about what they enjoyed the most in the holidays past.

Then ask the next question: which aspects caused you stress and created problems for your family?

Then right now, resolve to let those things go, in order to have holiday celebrations that bring joy without anxiety for any of you next time around.

Every women's magazine or television show conveys the message that much has to be done in order to produce a memorable holiday, from fancy décor and endless shopping and wrapping, to creating gourmet feasts and delectable treats. Parents are often so preoccupied with the extra tasks of the season that they lose sight of the lasting, good memories they want to create for themselves and their families.

Ask yourself, what is memorable about a rushed shopping trip to the mall, with youngsters being hurried from one store to another, rather than being allowed to make a leisurely selection of the gift they want to get for Mom or Dad? Or about a tired child sitting at an elaborate dinner, and beginning to fuss at all the unfamiliar food prepared for adult pleasure? So, with these things in mind, here are some hints from parents about avoiding ghosts of holidays past:

1. If taking the kids for a formal, holiday portrait was a nightmare, why not use instead one of the nice, casual snaps you took on your last vacation? I still remember with horror what we put granddaughters Lila and Rose through one year, and we vowed never again to repeat that mistake.

2. Create a family tradition of an enjoyable activity in which each member of the family can participate, such as making or decorating simple cookies together.

Having come from a tradition where Christmas baking preoccupied my mother for months, it was hard for me to realize that I could scale down on the cookies and avoid the stress.

Put on some Christmas music, don't answer the telephone, and just enjoy being together and the fun of cookie making.

3. For young children, who don't have their own money, it is more meaningful to create simple gifts than to try to have a shopping trip.

Ever since she was a toddler, my granddaughter Rose has made easy Christmas tree ornaments to give to family and friends--her mother usually finds ideas online, things that may involve stringing or gluing.

Rose is proud to give something made by her own hands, and we are delighted to decorate our tree with meaningful ornaments saved over the years.

4. Learning from our own experience, when a holiday dinner was disrupted by our tired toddler, we learned how to enjoy our day with the children and then give them their own dinner and bedtime routine.

Then the adults could relax and enjoy a special late dinner. We followed this routine without any qualms about depriving either the children or us, until the children were old enough to be able to enjoy a special dinner.

5. Resolve to have conversations NOW, not just before the next holiday, with grandparents and others who may not be honoring your wishes with the kinds of toys they choose, or the sheer number of gifts they present.

As a parent, you have a right to express your views and values, and conversations not fraught with holiday tension may be more meaningful. Then you don't have to grimace when Junior opens a BB gun from his grandfather, although you have already decided he should not have such an item.

Think about what caused you and the kids the most grief this year, and then resolve to banish those ghosts to allow for joy next year.

THE IMPORTANCE OF READING ALOUD

You have likely noticed that every month or so I frame my comments about parenting around the current "Book of the Month." I do this for several reasons. One is to make sure you are familiar with some of the fine children's books to enjoy with your children, including some that are old favorites, as well as newer ones that speak to the joys and challenges of childhood in today's world.

Another reason is that children's books present, captured in beautiful language and heartfelt illustration, often in just thirty-two pages, universal truths and values. In fact, when I am working with adults, I often read aloud a children's book, to present an important point.

But perhaps the greatest reason I to acquaint you with these books is to entice you to regularly read aloud to your children. There are so many reasons to read aloud to your children of all ages.

Obviously, it is fun, and a way of building intimacy with your children. Literacy specialists tell us that reading aloud helps with developing language and all its nuances, with building comprehension, building critical thinking skills, and discovering classic text structures.

Beyond that, there are still more advantages to be gained. Good children's books offer a strong sense of values and responsibilities. Helping your child learn about things such as friendship, kindness, patience, and bravery in the context of a story is one way to develop shared values.

Stories have power. We share joys and sorrows through stories. Books allow you and your children to visit many worlds together, and hear many voices. Through books, children begin to feel the power of many different stories, and learn that their stories matter too.

Books read aloud bring comfort to children. The world outside can be hard, confusing, and scary, as children navigate through social interactions. A child's inner world can contain fears, worries, and other strong emotions, and books provide ways to talk about all of this.

Reading aloud to little children gives us all of this. But reading aloud should not stop with children when they learn to read independently, lest we lose some of these valuable things.

I remember a book that our family read aloud when my boys were school-aged children, a true story about a boy who had been lost on a mountain in Maine. We marveled at his bravery and self-reliance as he struggled to find his way off the mountain, and rejoiced in his lucky rescue.

It was a wonderful shared experience, and even now, decades later, they often suggest it as reading material to visitors in Maine, saying, "You really should read this, it's a great story." I think some of their memories of the shared experience are linked with that recommendation. My husband has been reading through a set of children's illustrated classics with our granddaughters Lila and Rose for several years now, and carrying on lively conversations about their likes and dislikes, and the next one they will select to read. Reading aloud creates a kind of energy, becoming a new adventure that bonds adults and children.

Find a good book, and read it aloud.

BOOK OF THE MONTH: NO MORE PACIFIER FOR PIGGY

Bernette Ford and Sam Williams Boxer Books, 2008

In this simple little tale, Piggy discovers that when he tries to talk with his friend Duck, or even smile at him, his pacifier gets in the way.

When he begins to play with Duck, he drops his pacifier on the ground. But fortunately, he has a backup in his pocket. Nodding happily, he is ready to play again. Then he has such a good time that he laughs, and the pacifier drops to the ground again.

When alas, he has no more pacifiers, he is at a loss about what to do, since his chief activity has been to use and hold his pacifier. His wise friend Duck points out that he is missing all the fun.

Piggy then has the good sense to realize the truth in this observation, and then begins to talk and play happily-at the same time.

At this time when the American Academy of Pediatrics is recommending pacifier use as prevention for SIDS, many parents and kids may find themselves in the situation where the pacifier becomes a habit long after its use has served its purpose.

Some children just seem to enjoy the sensory pleasure of the pacifier more than others. My youngest son was happiest when he had one in his mouth, and one in each hand, frequently lovingly rubbing one on his cheek, so I know whereof I speak. (His older brother used a pacifier briefly as a baby, but when it had gone missing during a trip, he never looked back.)

So, what to do when the pacifier seems to be getting in the way of happy development--when children are so "plugged-in" that they are not able to talk or laugh freely, and when other kids begin to look at them oddly? This is when a pattern of behavior could truly become a problem, when children are not able to move on.

With very young children, social and language development are not so affected, so, though parents may not like it, the pacifier has not yet become a problem.

In some communities, the "Passy Fairy" makes a visit to carry off the loved pacifier, ready or not. In earlier times, I remember when parents used to be advised to put an obnoxious substance on the thumbs of children who sucked their thumbs. But with sucking pacifiers (or thumbs, or carrying blankets, or any other habit), it is usually best if the child can see the sense in abandoning the no longer needed practice, rather than having the matter decided and controlled by parents.

When parents arbitrarily decide the time has come to give up a loved object, children are frequently left feeling powerless, wondering what just happened to them.

Just as in the story, Piggy discovered that the pacifier was not necessary, and even got in the way, so too children need to learn that they do not have to depend on the objects, coming to that time of readiness themselves. This happens slowly, as parents help them to wean themselves away, such as by limiting the pacifier to stay in their room for a while, and then pointing out gently how much fun the child had playing without it, or remarking how well the child could sing (or talk!) when there was nothing in the mouth.

Even reading a book like this starts the child thinking about her own pacifier. At some point, she will come to the point where she can say, happily, "No more pacifier."

BOOK OF THE MONTH: BREAD AND JAM FOR FRANCES

By Russell Hoban, Harper and Row, 1964.

I love the Frances books, a series of beautifully illustrated children's books about a little badger named Frances.

Together with her parents, who have all the calm and ironic wisdom of the Huxtable parents on the old Cosby show, Frances encounters many of the typical challenges faced by families--bedtime resistance, adjusting to siblings, learning to be gracious with friends, and becoming obsessed with particular foods.

In Bread and Jam for Frances, Frances refuses to even try any of the delicious foods offered her for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, even though her parents wax eloquently about them

"What a lovely egg!" said Father. "If there is one thing I am fond of for breakfast, it is a soft-boiled egg."

Frances, her own person indeed, is undaunted in her refusal of the egg, and sings her own little song to the egg:

I do not like the way you slide, I do not like your soft inside, I do not like you lots of ways, And I could go for many days, Without eggs.

And so it goes. Frances refuses everything for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, except her bread and jam. But rather than get involved in trying to coax or cajole her to try the new foods, Mother and Father go along with her, and give her nothing but bread and jam.

When her after school snack turns out to be bread and jam, Frances makes up a new song:

Jam for snacks and jam for meals, I know how a jam jar feels— FULL... OF.. JAM!

And then, at dinner, when Frances finds no spaghetti and meatballs on her plate, but only bread and jam, she bursts into tears and asks for some spaghetti and meatballs.

"I had no idea you liked spaghetti and meatballs!" said Mother.

"How do you know what I'll like, if you won't even try me?" asked Frances, and she ate all the spaghetti and meatballs.

Obsession of one kind or another is a fairly common occurrence in young children, whether obsession with certain foods, or routines and activities. Who knows why this develops?

My personal theory is that, when presented with a world filled with many new experiences, becoming fixated on just one is a way of feeling secure, of being in control, certain of what will happen next.

Young children often become fixated on food, refusing everything but macaroni and cheese, for instance. They also become fixated on clothing, demanding only the familiar T-shirt or skirt, no matter how dirty or worn it becomes.

They become fixated on activity, demanding a particular toy, game, story, or song, until weary parents feel as if they are going mad. When it comes right down to it, there is often no real reason for parents to feel they must change the fixation. Granted, nothing but mac and cheese challenges nutritional standards, but sooner or later the little one will branch out, as did Frances.

Rather than turn these situations into a power struggle, (which you could win, big as you are, but where the little one loses any measure of feeling in control), sit back, relax, and let time take care of this particular problem.

Trust me--things WILL eventually move on.

WHO ARE THESE 47 PERCENT OF PARENTS?

In a recent Census Bureau report, titled "A Child’s Day," 73 million parents were surveyed to analyze benchmarks of well being for children. (Incidentally, compared with a decade ago, America's children appear to be marginally better off, with more performing at grade level in school, more taking lessons after school or on weekends, more children under six eating breakfast with at least one parent, and more parents imposing limits on television viewing.)

But what astonished me was the 47 percent of parents who said they never felt angry with their children! (What, never? No, never!) Now you will have to pardon me for sounding skeptical about the amount of sugarcoating going on for pollsters, but I find it hard to believe that nearly half of these parents would not admit to feelings of anger.

Perhaps it is our current emphasis on perfection in parenting that does not allow parents to acknowledge the vast array of strong and complex emotions that are part of the parent-child relationship, and that includes anger.

I point out that most parents' experience many different feelings, chief of which is obviously deep and abiding love, along with devotion, delight, pride, anxiety, concern, irritation, frustration, and, yes, occasional anger.

I would absolutely state that if anger were the predominant emotion that parents feel towards their children, professional help would be indicated, for the emotional health of both parent and child.

But occasionally, even the most tolerant, loving, and patient parent will feel angry about their child's actions. The sooner we acknowledge that, the better we can express that anger in ways that are healthy for the parent and powerful learning experiences for the child.

Let's consider healthy for parents first. Unexpressed and unrecognized anger has a nasty way of building up inside, causing stress and discomfort, until it grows to the point of a volcanic explosion, often out of all proportion to a triggering event. Then parents are filled with the guilt and remorse that follows such inappropriate episodes.

Far better to express the anger at the time, verbally and constructively. This is certainly not permission for grown-up sized temper tantrums, but rather a reminder that it is necessary to release strong emotion.

Good parents do not hide strong feelings because they think it makes them look less than perfect human beings. Instead, they demonstrate that feelings are part of being a human being, and what to do with them.

So when Dad says, "I am angry because you hurt your sister on purpose," not only is that anger released in a way beneficial to him, but children are also learning important lessons about feelings.

These lessons for children include the idea that anger can be expressed without hurting others, giving children a healthy and helpful example. The teaching also involves the idea that one's actions can trigger emotional responses in others. Since children want to please their beloved parents, understanding the feelings of the other can have a powerful effect in helping children learn to control their behavior.

So that 47 percent of parents who are not acknowledging and expressing occasional anger are not doing any favors to either their own emotional well being, or to the process of their children learning about feelings and relationships between people.

Don't think they're fooling their kids either--kids know when parents are upset with them, whether that feeling is articulated or not.

BOOK OF THE MONTH: I’LL FIX ANTHONY

By Judith Viorst Aladdin Paperbacks. 1979

As the mother of three boys, Judith Viorst has plenty of real-life experience with family dynamics and the crises of daily living.

Her terrific books for children explore such topics as things not always going well (Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day), having to move, (Alexander who's not- do you hear me? I mean it!--going to move), not wanting your parents to go out at night (The Goodbye Book), and learning how to deal with money (Alexander who used to be rich last Sunday.) But I'll fix Anthony strikes the very familiar note of sibling rivalry and revenge.

Here the younger brother lists his grievances against big brother Anthony ("My brother Anthony can read books now, but he won't read any books to me. He plays checkers with Bruce from his school. But when I want to play he says, 'Go away or I'll clobber you.'") And so on.

Mother, in the manner of all mothers, says that, "deep down in his heart Anthony loves me. Anthony says deep down in his heart he thinks I stink." Such frank talk may make us wince, but guess what? Sibling relationships are not always loving, no matter how we wish they were. Little brother, meanwhile, wreaks imaginary revenge for all the insults of his present existence, thinking of all the things he can do when he is six--"when I'm six, we'll have a skipping contest, and I'll skip faster. Then we'll have a jumping contest, and I'll jump higher. Then we'll do Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo, and Anthony will be O-U-T. He'll be very M-A-D."

And so on, hilariously. "I'll be able to tell my street and my city and sometimes my zip code, but Anthony will be all mixed up. If he ever gets lost, I guess I'll have to go find him."

There are three ways of dealing with sibling rivalry. One is to pretend that it doesn't exist. "No, you really love your brother. Nice little boys don't say such mean things about their brothers." Then the child is ashamed for having the feeling, and still has it.

Another is to respond negatively with punishment and disapproval when kids display such feelings, as if they are unnatural and bad for having the emotion. "You're going to stay in your room till you can tell me you love your brother." Now we get shame, anger and resentment, and still the feelings of rivalry.

And the third is realistic acceptance, and gentle guidance towards sibling empathy and cooperation. "Look, I know you think your brother can be a pain sometimes, but you also have some good times. Face it--he's going to be around forever, so it's a good idea to try to get along. There are probably some things you do that bug him too."

No guilt or shame, the feelings are still there, but are accepted as part of the process of learning to get along with others. Some have said that learning to manage sibling relationships is the powerful first learning experience in adaptation as preparation for life experiences.

So, don't try to "fix" the sibling rivalry. Recognize that "fixing Anthony" and all the fantasies involved is part of the process.

SIMPLE PLEASURES

My puppy has reminded me of another important truth: You can get a lot of mileage out of simple toys and activities. The playthings from the pet store lose their attraction after several play times, so I turned to looking around the kitchen for discarded plastic containers and boxes that the puppy finds very intriguing.

With the-less structured months of summer, many of you may be faced with young children who can also quickly become bored with the same old toys. But as you look around your home, you likely have many materials that would provide hours of involved activity. Here are ten ideas for homemade fun:

1. Get your old magazines and catalogs out of the recycling bin and let the youngsters cut out favorite pictures, and then glue them on scrap paper. Youngest children can tear the pictures and enjoy the gluing as well. Ambitious preschoolers might want to create their own books.

2. Cut up straws, or use big tube macaroni, and provide yarn to thread them on for bracelets and necklaces. I know one enterprising young lady who set up a "jewelry" store alongside her friend's lemonade stand and earned $2.72!

3. Cut up lots of fabric scraps, yarns, laces, buttons, and anything else you have. Save old shirt cardboard for gluing projects like these.

4. Washing and water play are great fun. Put warm water in a big pot or basin, add a spritz of dish washing soap, and gather up all the little plastic animals and figures. Give the kids a washcloth, and they will likely play happily for quite some time. When the fun of washing wears down, provide a towel for drying off.

5. While we're thinking about washing, offer some plastic dishes to wash in the big sink. Activities that echo what Mom and Dad do are always popular.

6. Open the kitchen cupboard where you store all those microwave and storage containers. Sorting, mixing, matching, and stacking are great fun, with many hidden math concepts for learning as well.

7. While you're in the kitchen, you and the kids can mix up some simple play dough: ¾ cup flour, ¾ cup salt, and ¾-1 cup of water and the food coloring of your choice, with 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. Mix it well and knead it—the kids can get involved in this-and then store covered in the fridge when they're not using it.

8. For variation, dough with a nice lumpy texture is made from 1 cup of flour, 1 cup of water, and 2 cups of oatmeal. For interesting smells, add some peppermint or almond extract. This doesn't keep well, but is fun for the day.

9. And one more recipe, of wonderfully intriguing goop: ½ cup of water and 2 cups of cornstarch. Mix this until it is smooth, and then add food coloring if you wish. To let the kids play freely without worrying about the mess, use on a table covered with newspapers, or on a plastic tray.

10. Clean out your closet, and before you take the stuff to Goodwill, let the kids dress up and parade around.

Have fun!

BOOK OF THE MONTH: THE TENTH GOOD THING ABOUT BARNEY

BY Judith Viorst, Atheneum, 1978

When my granddaughter Lila was six years old, her dog Jack died. Strictly speaking, Jack was not Lila's dog, as he had lived with her daddy since before he was married. But Jack had always been there, throughout her life.

We have pictures of her, barely sitting up, and merely reacting with a big blink when he nearly knocked her over with his big tail.

When she was a scared-of-the-dark 4-year-old, she would sit up in bed and yell, "Jack!" and he would patiently go to curl up by her bedside.

When he got sick, I heard her explaining to another child that they had a shorter vacation than planned because they had to look after Jack, and you could hear her acceptance of the need to look after a loved family member.

After he died, there was much sadness and tears in the family, and then gradually the recovery that allows us all to remember Jack stories with fond smiles. In most children's lives, there will come some experience with death, whether of a beloved family pet, or a family member, or even occasionally another child they know.

A teacher educator recently described a teacher in her class who told of a sudden death of one of the children in her class over the weekend.

The teacher had no idea how to talk with the children in her class, because her own grief and because of "different religious beliefs."

Instead, shockingly, she told the other children only that the missing child was absent. Later when she saw another child at the funeral, she said that the child in the coffin was "sleeping."

Whatever children's first experiences are with death, they need the support of adults who are able to talk about loss and grief with young children and honor the experience with simple honesty. Judith Viorst's classic book is a useful resource for helping young children understand the process of loss and grieving.

When Barney the cat dies, the child in the book talks about being very sad, too sad to watch television or eat chicken, or even her chocolate pudding.

Mother suggests a funeral for comfort, and asks the child to think of ten good things about Barney so she can tell them at the funeral. The funeral is appropriately solemn, but only nine good things can be told at that time.

Viorst even raises the delicate topic of differences in beliefs about the afterlife, as she shows a squabble with a friend who claims that Barney is in heaven with lots of cats and angels, drinking cream and eating cans of tuna, while the first child maintains that Barney is in the ground.

Father refuses to say who is right, saying that we don't know too much about heaven. He affirms his child's sadness when she tells him that she doesn't like it that Barney was dead.

“He said, why should I like it? It's sad, he said. He told me that it might not feel so sad tomorrow." And then he takes her out to the garden. In the process of working with the earth and seeds, he helps the child learn that things change in the ground. "Will Barney change too?" I asked him.

"Oh, yes," said my father. "He'll change until he's part of the ground in the garden."

And then, I asked, "Will he help to make flowers and leaves?"

"He will," said my father. "He'll help grow the flowers, and he'll help grow that tree and some grass."

"You know," he said, "that's a pretty nice job for a cat." And so she discovers the tenth good thing about Barney.

That first death experience will come for your child. Best to consider now how you will respond. This sweet little story might help.

PARENT POWER

This is a true story. My granddaughter Rose has attended Villa Heights, a very good magnet school within her school district for the past two plus years.

Last fall, the school board announced that they planned to close this school, and merge it with a failing school across town.

It didn't seem to make good sense to many people to try to improve a failing school by closing one that succeeded so well. So, the families involved in the school, including my son and daughter-in-law, decided to try to save their school.

They worked closely as a team, contacting individual school board members and inviting them for visits, to see why this unique school worked so well, and how its uniqueness could be lost with the change.

They wrote letters and e-mails, made telephone calls and visits. They planned and worked together, and they persisted for a period of months.

Finally, the school board announced that they had reversed their original decision, and would allow Villa Heights to continue to exist. One school board member specifically mentioned the power of the parent action in making their decision.

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I tell this story because it is enormously important that parents understand that one of their important roles is to advocate for their children. The world has gotten increasingly large and complex, with bureaucratic administrative decisions often not being made in the interest of anything but some bottom line.

As things go wrong in many communities, quick fixes are often sought which are definitely not necessarily in the best interests of children and their families. At times it may seem as though individual parents can do little in the face of a steamrolling system.

But this is not so. Parents are the ones who know what is best for their children, and they are the only ones who can make those ideas known loud and clear. What a triumph for this group of parents, who refused to give up on the excellent school, and insisted that others pay attention to what they already knew about the importance of keeping their school.

What a lesson for their children as well, to discover that individual opinions do have an impact and can influence the course of events. The systems of government they learn about in school seem remote and all-powerful, but this experience helped them understand that in a democracy, individual efforts can be extremely effective.

This was a concrete lesson in learning that working for an idea may have powerful effect, and that we are not helpless to take action on our own behalf.

The children also understood that their education was important enough for busy parents to attend meeting after meeting, to spend hours working on the common cause. What better self-esteem booster could parents give their children than to show such support for their school!

As parents, you will encounter situations in your own communities that are not providing optimum conditions for your children, whether it is television advertising, unsafe neighborhoods, or mediocre schools.

Keep this story as a reminder that parents have the power to effect change on their children's behalf. And only parents who want the best for their children have the emotional strength to persist and the power to succeed.

NEEDED: THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS

A friend recently sent me a link to a blog that started with a mother asking the advice of others about how to travel with her several small children across the country by plane during the holidays-to visit a sick father, as it turned out.

What was fairly shocking was the amount of virulent anti-child feeling that her question elicited, with comments such as she should just stay home, and why didn't she think of that before she had the children?

Now, granted, I have had my share of annoying experiences with kids kicking the back of my seat and wailing babies. But the idea that parents and their children do not have the right to participate in the world with the rest of us is deplorable.

There is probably not a one of us who has not felt the grip of desperation when our young children just were unable to be reasonable and self-controlled when out in public; when fatigue and strangeness made them into persons with whom we would rather not have admitted kinship.

The very unpredictability of small children reminds me of my puppy. At nine months, she elicits a lot of attention, with perfect strangers walking up to ask if they can pet my dog. I feel quite justified in saying that I can't really predict how this puppy will behave.

Why should parents and kids not be allowed the same latitude of tolerance and distance?

Surely those of us who are not currently in the throes of parenting young children can have a modicum of sympathy for those parents who are trying to get through an experience with their out-of-control offspring.

Whatever happened to the notion that we're all in this together, that those of us who are coping okay can lend a hand to those who need some extra help?

Parents are able to do their best job of being patient when they feel supported, not harassed. When children feel that their parents are calm and in control, that helps them remember the life lessons they are gradually learning about appropriate behavior.

Why should parents even have to ask for the help and tolerance of onlookers, who have no doubt been in similar positions at some point in their lives?

Surely as a people we have not become so caught up in our own lives and preferences that we cannot help and support parents in doing their most important work -- guiding their young children and getting them through new or difficult situations.

So, whether you are a parent who has found yourself in situations where you desperately feel the need for help and support, or someone who could easily give that help (rather than disapproval), let's remember that it is in the best interests of us all to help children feel that the world around them supports them and their parents. Then they will want to become a part of that loving community, and we all are strengthened.

LISTENING WITH THE THIRD EAR

Recently I received a query from a mother who was concerned about the behavior of her middle child. The child behaved harshly with her younger sister, and complained bitterly about her parents' preference for the oldest sister.

This older sibling seemingly could do no wrong, whereas her own shortcomings were frequently pointed out.

In her e-mail, the mother detailed her problems with the middle child: She had altered a note of complaint from her teacher, lest she get in trouble with her parents, and was behaving in other "cheating" ways. The mother wondered if she should be hard or soft on this child.

As an outsider, it is nearly impossible to know what is going on within any family. There are many possible dynamics that could be at work. Certainly birth order affects children's personalities and behavior, as diverse environmental dynamics within the family can affect children differently.

Individual temperaments influence how sensitive children are to slights, real or imagined. Parental preferences, often unconscious, may influence how they relate to individual children.

Not knowing the answers to any of these questions, the only response I can make to any parent is to listen with the third ear. Our usual two ears hear the words that are actually spoken. But the third ear is the one that allows us to become sensitive to the unspoken needs and feelings of our children-the unsaid words that often lie behind the actions.

Listening with the third ear would allow this parent to hear more than the child's words that her parents would be mad at her for the teacher's comments, and to hear in addition the idea that she is concerned about her parent's ability to hear her side of the story.

Listening with the third ear would help the parent hear that there are unresolved feelings of jealousy and rivalry with the younger sibling who displaced her as the baby in the family.

Listening with the third ear would help the parent understand that the child in question does not need to hear parental protests that they are being fair to all children and indeed love them just the same, but rather needs to hear that she is loved uniquely, for herself.

Listening with the third ear would help a parent focus less on the immediate problem of cheating or sibling harassment, and focus instead on the cry of the need for attention.

Listening with the third ear is only possible when we leave logic, rationalization, and the need to prove ourselves right as parents out of it, and focus only on the needs and feelings of the other.

In most cases, this kind of listening helps us get to the root of the matter, and helps solve the problems, which are often only manifestations of unmet needs and feelings.

For every parent, listening to the unsaid may be the most important skill we develop. Learn to listen with your third ear.

GREEN CHILDHOOD

If you haven't already read Richard Louv's award-winning book Last Child in the Woods: Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder, you have missed an opportunity to consider the vital importance of helping your children connect with the natural world around them.

Louv's original work sparked a torrent of discussion and activity among individuals and communities about the changing relationship between children and the outdoors.

Now reissued in an updated and expanded edition, parents may find in the book inspiration and motivation to help their children begin to find comfort and joy in the world around them, and to become activists in stewardship efforts that will benefit us all.

Let me start you off with just a few of the 100 actions we can all take, as listed by Louv.

1. Invite flora and fauna into your life. Maintain a birdbath. Build a bat house. Plant some native plants in your yard.

For some wonderful backyard suggestions, as well as information about attracting wildlife to city apartments and townhouses, check out the information at www.audubonathome.org/yard.

You and your children could work toward the goal of making your yard a National Wildlife Federation (NWF) Certified Wildlife Habitat-www.nwf.org/backyard.

My granddaughter Rose and her dad maintain yard #32651, with six birdbaths and a butterfly puddling area, over a dozen nesting boxes for various species including owls, woodpeckers and songbirds, and five bird feeding stations.

2. Find an old board and place it on bare dirt. After a day or two, lift the board and see how many creatures have found shelter there. Identify them with the help of a field guide-the pocketsize Golden guides for young children are back in print.

3. Keep a "wonder bowl." All the natural wonders picked up on walks, like acorns, rocks, and feathers can be stored there to enjoy.

4. Make the "green hour" a new family tradition. Think about giving your children a green hour each day, a time for unstructured play and interaction with the natural world? (Okay, start with fifteen minutes.)

5. Adopt the "sunny day rule." If it's a beautiful day, there's no excuse for being indoors. Tell them to go out, go build something.

6. Be a cloud spotter. Help children learn that clouds are nature's poetry, as Gavin Pretor-Pinney says in his book The Cloudspotter's Guide.

7. Take a hike, or be a stroller explorer. "If you have an infant or toddler, consider organizing a neighborhood stroller group that meets for weekly nature walks," suggests the National Audubon society.

8. Adopt a tree. Pick an existing tree or plant a special one to help mark an important family occasion. Take pictures of the tree after a big windstorm, in the fall, or after a first snow. Record what animals and birds use the tree. Watch for its seeds and plant them.

9. Raise butterflies-from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis to emerging butterfly. You can find the kits in many children's catalogs of from the National Wildlife Federation.

10. Encourage children to count and draw the birds they see at your backyard feeder. Keep the binoculars and bird guide handy for identification.

There's a lot more ways to connect with the natural world around us. Hope you pick up a copy of this wonderful book and find out about more of them.